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I think the story is really good!
Good points:
- Lots of description
- Is easy to connect with the characters
Improvements:
- Maybe a wider range of punctuation could be used instead of the usual commas, fullstops, question marks etc.
its okay. I would give it a 6 on a 10 point scale.
Sorry to say, but I think your story is going to need a serious re-write by you.
Verb tenses always match up to the subject (Example: am'– are'– etc.)
In your story, just looking at the last few sentences, I think you should have the girl Liana either thinking …"where are my parents, if I have parents?" or "where were my parents, if I had parents?"–see what I mean?… one is present tense, one is past tense. You mix the two.
Also very awkward to read, "I got back to my senses…" just not correct. The phrase should read, "I came back to my senses…" Do you see that as well?
There are several cases of English of this kind, the incorrect kind… for a while I wondered if English is your second language. And please excuse me if it :]
I just want to point out that when you write, you have to be ready to re-write, a lot, and correct all of those errors. Every good writer does that.
Also, be sure the reader knows where he/she is at all times… at the end of this segment I sure if I was in "the computer room"– (is there more than one computer there? Eiana had one in her bedroom too, so why is there a computer room and why is it called that? Or are they in a library, where there are a lot of books and, apparently, comics? Things like that…)
I know it may seem like drudgery, but a writer has to tighten up all the nuts and bolts on the story.
I find that one good way to find the loose ones is to read the story over and over as if I were a stranger to it each time. It may seem a little tricky, but it can be done once you believe me.
You may even read the story out loud (I often do, when I reach words unsure of), and where you pause and mentally stratch your head, make a note and go on.
Later, go back over your notes for help with the first re-write.
Luck–
I even read all that. Just a wall of text. Spend more time worrying about writing it instead of how others think.
And for the record, your grammar and punctuation needs work.
It's a pretty good Lia sounds confused and unsure, how a lot of people are. You can kinda relate to her.
I would suggest a little more detail, like if Eiana pats her hair or chews gum or if Silena is doing something like laundry or dishes.
I like it and I hope you can get it finished and published.